It’s hard to really say today is day one. If I think back over the years I cannot count the number of times that I have written “day 1” How many times I have boldly declared with confidence that “today” will be the end of binging, self-abuse, compulsive eating behaviors, unhealthy food choices..ect the list goes on. And inevitably, I fail. I turn the page in my journal, and start fresh once again.
Not to sound cliché but by definition insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. It only makes sense that at this point in my life, I need to come to terms with reality and break this insane behavior. Something has to change. I need help.
About 2 weeks ago I mustered up the guts to attend a local OA meeting. I had been to a couple in the past. But I was still under the illusion that I could beat this on my own. My inner child was telling me take the easy way out. “Try the next big diet cure, pop some miracle pills, work out more, hire a trainer, blah blah blah”All of which never delivered.
I walked into a small church class room, where I found 3 rows older women arranged facing the front the room, where one woman read the rules aloud. I had been to AA meetings before with my mom, so I was somewhat familiar with the procedures. We read a small excerpt from the big book. After that all members with 90 days of abstinence stood up and shared there interpretation of the reading.
As they stood up, I couldn’t help but study their appearances. I pictured all of them binging the way I do. Almost as if envisioning a imprisoned murderer committing the crime. I pictured them circling the grocery and carefully filling their carts with sugarcoated, pre packaged containers of happiness but being careful to layer some “healthy” food on top for fear of what on-lookers may think. I pictured them loading certain bags of food into the front seats of their cars for easy access. I pictured them sitting in supermarket parking lots, devouring bag after bag of food. I imagined how they brush of the crumbs from their shirts, tuck the empty bags neatly back into the grocery bags as they head through the drive through. After all they had only just consumed snacks, now they needed some “real” food.
Most of the people seemed like ordinary everyday people. One woman stood up to speak, and as she spoke, I felt like she was telling my story. We talked about surrender, and turning over our control to a higher power. We talked about the 12 steps. I felt like I had the information but where to start? I approached one woman after the meeting and asked her to be my sponsor.
I called her later that night and she gave me the “rules”. Everyone has a slightly different way of doing things and a everyone has a food plan that works for them. She gave me an almost militaristic run down of how she runs her sponsorship. For the record, this is not what I had imagined. I imagined calling a sweet incredibly nurturing motherly type that was going to hold my hand through the process. Not the case and although she is definatley supportive she explained that I need to want it for myself. She can’t make me follow the program, she can cure me of this disorder. But she can point me in the right direction and offer her insight.I have made the decision to surrender my will to my high power, and my life to the program.
So here I am. I am starting this and one of the concepts that are strongly emphasized is the idea of ” one day at a time”. So this time around rather than marking my calendar and setting my goals 1, 2, 6 months out I am focusing on just today, everyday.
Goal for today:
Call Sponsor at 6:15 am
Make 3 outreach calls
Stick to food plan
Read from the Big Book